Trying to Wake

Where am I? Who am I? How did I come to be here? What is this thing called the world? How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And If I am compelled to take part in it, Where is the director? I want to see him. - Soren Kierkegaard

“How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.”

- Barry Lopez

 

posted by: Pensare at August 31, 2006 02:37 | link | comments |

August 25th, 2006 was the day of my abortion.

Here I was, in South Korea, faced with a most unwanted pregnancy. With three wonderful girlfriends around me and my own conviction I was certain the procedure would only leave me relived. I spoke with Matt, the man which I conceived.

 

It was quick, awkward, and generally painful discussion from 6,000 miles away. He was as supportive as he could be, asking me how I was and if I’d be ok. With that final discussion, there was nothing more than the clinic visit.

 

That morning my friend went to our school and covered for my absence. Another girlfriend picked me up and we headed to the local, yet reputable clinic.

 

Using my Korean cheat sheet, I was able to express my desire to have an abortion. The woman I checked in with took me to an office. There we established some basic medical history, last period, and Matt’s agreement. Afterwards, I went back to the waiting room.

 

Not long after that, I was waved into the doctor’s office. He confirmed the basic once again. Then directed me behind a curtain for an ultrasound.

 

I thought this would be the difficult part – seeing what was growing inside me. But, I could hardly see anything and it just solidified my decision. The doctor informed me I was just 4-5 weeks pregnant. I became pregnant only a couple days before I left the States.

 

Again, back to the waiting room. A bit later, the same nurse grabbed my hand. She had me sign a consent form. After a few misunderstandings, I realized she wanted me to forge Matt’s approval. Then, I was given a prescription.

 

After all these formalities, including running a credit card, I was taken into the surgery room. I took off my pants and underwear and was given a skirt to put on. Then, I was positioned on the operating table and my legs were tied down. I was put on an IV and given a shot in the ass.

 

I laid there for a few minutes listening to some bad 80s music. I chuckled at the thought of this music framing my experience. Moments late a few nurses and the doctor arrived.

 

The doctor had me take a deep breath and then placed my left hand on my chest. A few more deep breaths and I was out. I didn’t know that’d I’d be out. I didn’t know much at all – everything was communicated in broken English!

 

Some unknown time later, my friend whom had come with me was above me, saying she had to leave for work now. I quickly returned to my slumber, barely registering why I was there. The next thing I remember was a nurse coming to remove my IV. Again, I dozed for a few minutes, but soon woke up and decided to dress. After finding that first nurse again, she escorted me to the pharmacy. I walked home, still a bit drugged, but rather comfortable.

 

It’s been several days now. I’m feeling well physically, and well emotionally. While I wish I had never let myself get in this situation, I know I will not grow to regret my decision.

posted by: Pensare at August 30, 2006 02:24 | link | comments (2) |

Gabriel

I’ve made my decision and I’m going into the clinic Friday morning. I am ending this pregnancy.

 

There wasn't much of a decision to be made. I don’t want to be a mother. Not before I was pregnant, not when I was worrying I was pregnant, and now knowing I am pregnant. Some are not meant to be mothers, and some are never meant to be born.

 

I’ve named him Gabriel. He’s not a child in my mind or in my heart. But I’ll never forget him when he’s gone and I hope one day he’ll find a better home than the one I would ever be able to provide him.

 

Are you out there

Can you hear me

Can you see me in the dark

I don't believe it's all for nothing

It's not just written in the sand

Sometimes I thought you felt too much

And you crossed into the shadowland

And the river was overflowing

And the sky was fiery red

You gotta play the hand that's dealt ya

That's what the old man always said

Fallen Angel

Casts a shadow up against the sun

If my eyes could see

The spirit of the chosen one

In my dream the pipes were playing

In my dream I lost a friend

Come down Gabriel and blow your horn

'Cause some day we will meet again

Fallen Angel

Casts a shadow up against the sun

If my eyes could see

The spirit of the chosen one

All the tears

All the rage

All the blues in the night

If my eyes could see

You kneeling in the silver light

Fallin', fallin', fallin' down

Fallin', fallin' down

Fallin', fallin', fallin' down

Fallin', fallin' down

Fallen Angel

Casts a shadow up against the sun

If my eyes could see

The spirit of the chosen one

All the tears

All the rage

All the blues in the night

If my eyes could see

You kneeling in the silver light

If you're out there can you touch me

Can you see me I don't know

If you're out there can you reach me

Lay a flower in the snow

[“Fallen Angel” Robbie Robertson]

posted by: Pensare at August 23, 2006 22:28 | link | comments (1) |

The test is positive.

I'm numb.

I still don't feel pregnant, cannot believe it.

A few questions answered, and so many new worries…

I need it to end.

posted by: Pensare at August 22, 2006 03:34 | link | comments (1) |

No real good news yet…

However, I was able to talk with a new friend here in Korea – the first person I have been able to simply say the words to. She has already helped me immensely. First, she is willing to find a test with me (I’m waiting until the 22^nd) and be there while I take it. Also, she works in a different school than me, and her director knows of an Ob/Gyn who speaks English. Turns out that, while abortion is largely illegal, it is often preformed regularly. So, if I am, I know have a back-up plan.

 

I came to Korea with a close friend, but I haven’t been able to open up to her about this situation. She says she’s pro-choice, but this is mainly from a political standpoint. I fear if I were to tell her that I would get some hard-hitting tough love. And if I have to have an abortion, she’ll never look at me the same.

 

Only a few weeks ago, we met up with a woman who offered up that she herself had an abortion. My friend later mentioned something about how she killed her child and how she felt no sympathy, etc.

posted by: Pensare at August 19, 2006 20:08 | link | comments |

Still Nothing...

Today is August 17^th and my possible crisis, and anxiety, is growing. I’m mega-dosing Vitamin C and have begun drinking parsley and ginger tea – but nothing yet. I’m trying to remain calm and patient, and it’s not easy.

 

I’m all alone here. I can’t freak out, if I break there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. So, I’ve gone numb. At least, if I was still living in the US, I would have a back-up plan. Here in Korea, there’s no real back-up plan.

posted by: Pensare at August 17, 2006 20:14 | link | comments (2) |

posted by: Pensare at August 16, 2006 21:34 | link | comments (1) |

Current (possible) Crisis

I’m late – at least I think I am. Before leaving the US, I was sexually active. A few days after my period had ended, I had unprotected sex. I thought little of it, honestly, because it was so early in my cycle.

 

Well, after being here for nearly a month, I have yet to have my period. My last period was somewhat irregular, have one mild, and one heavy within one month. I may just be off in counting, or more so, my body may be re-adjusting, or affected by the general stress of moving.

 

Other than being late, I have no other symptoms of being pregnant. In fact, I do not feel pregnant in the least bit. I have no morning sickness, my breasts are not tender, and I have no lower back pressure. Also, despite the persistent smell sewerage, I have no smell adversity.

 

Nonetheless, last night, my anxiety grew stronger. I went online searching for ways to induce a natural abortion. It’s difficult though, finding what I need here in Korea verses the ease in the US of going to a health food store.

 

I went about visualizing, and planning a grocery list of aids to help – if I do happen to be pregnant right now. Unfortunately, all these positive thoughts of not being pregnant played in a negative way in my dreams. I was pregnant in my dreams last night – from the initial worry to the confirmation in a pseudo clinic, to sorting through a way to tell friends and family.

 

My greatest worry is this: if I am pregnant and I can not end in privately, with old world methods, there is no means in Korea to receive a sugricial abortion. My only back-up, which I can think of, is a long shot. There is a large, Canadian complex with various alternative medicines and treatments available. I’m hoping there would not only be someone I could communicate with, but someone who could help – massage, tea concoctions, etc.

 

All I know is, more than ever, being pregnant is not an option.

posted by: Pensare at August 15, 2006 13:16 | link | comments |

The Meaning of Life

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Edited]

An existential crisis is a state of panic or feeling of intense psychological discomfort. It can result from:

·         A sense of being alone and isolated

·         A realization that one's life has no destined, supernatural, or in some cases external purpose or meaning

·         The realization of one's own mortality

A certain lack of faith in such belief systems is typically a prerequisite for an existential crisis. Basically, an existential crisis is the sudden awareness of not knowing what one's life is all about and or the sudden awareness of one's inevitable impending personal doom. [Emphasis added]

Those who are not in a state of existential crisis can peacefully accept either that:

·         The essence of their existence has already been defined by some sort of higher power.

·         That which is important to them is all that needs to matter.

·         That their life in fact has no meaning.

One who is experiencing an existential crisis cannot accept these views. Instead, that person is faced with the paradox of believing that their life is important on the one hand while at the same time perceiving that human existence itself is without meaning or purpose. It is the resolution of this paradox which dissolve the crisis. A typical solution to resolving the paradox is a belief in some sort of a supernatural explanation through religion, others hold that an individual can define for himself what his own meaning and purpose is on this planet. There are more ways and variations on how to handle an existential crisis, however. One may decide, for instance, that thought is pointless and existential truth or security cannot be obtained through it. Others may decide that it is not important to know what happens or how things work, all that is important is the present.

In a worst-case scenario the failure to resolve an existential crisis can lead to death by suicide or complete apathy to one's life.

Existential crises are sometimes triggered by a significant event or change in a person's life. Usually the event in some way makes the person reflect on his or her own mortality. Typical examples of such events are the death of a loved one, a life-threatening experience, one's children moving away from home, the reaching of a certain age or solid length of time in Solitary confinement.

 

Stage One

Now that we have our definitions clear, let me explain the onset of my existential crisis. I was living in Copenhagen in the early winter of 2002, studying abroad. Now, the Scandinavians are not big on the whole organized religion thing, nor all the god-centered in general. But, they do talk a lot of religion, as sport I suppose. So I’m chatting with a flat mate, and she’s telling me how few Danes attended a baptism that Sunday, a mere 30 people in the church, most with the baptismal party. She begins talking about god, and asks me a quite simply: do you believe in god?

Almost instantly I felt a tingle, one I hadn’t ever experienced. After a few, stressful moments, I responded with: I don’t know. Now, I had been raised Catholic, and never found much use for the religion other than maybe some socializing. I didn’t intend on getting confirmed, but my parents urged me to, as a matter of tradition, etc. In college I actually joined Campus Ministry, mainly because I like the woman who ran the program. I gravitated towards the ecumenical services and nothing much more. After a semester I had my fill.

Ok, so back in Denmark a simple question that I would have thought I would ask myself before then, left my mind reeling. Did I believe in god? Well, for those of you who are observant, I’m sure you’ve figured out my ultimate conclusion – the concept of a high power is now laughable to me.

Stage Two

Month or two later, further into the winter, a friend and I did some wicked shrooms – my first time. Before , during, and after this point in time, I was a pothead. I liked it mainly because of the introspective state that smoking provides so conveniently. Both my friend and I experienced a very serious experience that night, most privately enjoyed. I journalled the entire time and found myself rationalizing mass suicide. To this day, when I go back and read it, there’s little for me to refute.

Think for a moment of the billions of people who have lived and died on this planet. There’s the peacemakers, the warmongers, the inventors and the bad apples. But most of us, be us of goodwill or not, have little impact on the course of human history. Sure, we each have a legacy, but does any of it matter a damn bit? I contend, not really.

Now, I’m not a nihilist, I would have knocked myself off years ago if that was the case. I have found some meaning in my existence. I believe we need to each die leaving the next generation less fucked up than the one in which we were born. I guess, if we want to get specific, I could call myself a secular humanist, but that’s just a label, I suppose.

My problem is this: I am just a grain of sand in the realm of human history - likely to die without any lasting memory to distant generations (if the world makes it that long!). Not because I’m useless, but because we are all rather insignificant. Whether I decided to become an academic, or a homemaker, or even a politican – I will be forgotten. And one day, perhaps sooner rather than later – life will no longer exist. And, even if I left a legacy, I still die and turn to dust - my virtues and downfalls blending into a distant history.

Part Three

One who is experiencing an existential crisis cannot accept these views. Instead, that person is faced with the paradox of believing that their life is important on the one hand while at the same time perceiving that human existence itself is without meaning or purpose. It is the resolution of this paradox which dissolve the crisis.

Ok, so I have to resolve this, decide on my own personal purpose. Now I gave a lofty one, to do well by the next generation. But is this enough? Nah. Not for me. I watch CNN and see the droves of African children orphaned by AIDS. Or, watch as the Middle East crumbles over religious bullshit. Or, the millions living in the US without health care suffer as another tax break is handed out between friends. And here I sit in Korea, belly aching about the meaning of life. Paralyzed because I can’t figure how best to make things right…

posted by: Pensare at August 13, 2006 19:33 | link | comments (1) |

In the beginning…

I feel it necessary to begin this blog with something of an intention – a statement of purpose.

 

I require this blog because I need an outlet for my innermost thoughts, to provoke my own motivations, and to serve as a vehicle for self-discovery. I feel lost in my life, and while lost, I’m living rather comfortably. It’s my lack of direction that frightens me.

 

So, here’s my story in brief. One month ago I moved out of the US to take a teaching job in Korea. Being quite honest, I felt like I was rotting away at home – drinking and smoking much too much dope. My job, while in my field, was largely a dead-end job with plenty of frustration. My debt continued to grow and I knew I had to escape. Korea provided the money and an opportunity to teach. And now, here I am.

 

But this blog is not intended to be a travel journal. I have eleven months left in this country, and it my greatest hope that it will be a time of self-discovery. Do I want to go back to school? If so, for what? Do I want to continue working in EFL? Do I want my TEFL certification? Will I stay in Korea?

 

There’s another purpose to this blog – I’m angry and frustrated, with my own existence. Or even humankind in general - our ignorance about our larger world, the problems we face, and how we treat one another. I’m upset by mankind’s embrace of religion and the popular rejection of political discourse.

 

If you have made it this far – thank you for sticking by. Join up, and ponder with me. Some people say I take life too seriously, but we only have one go at it. Join me in pondering….

 

posted by: Pensare at August 13, 2006 16:43 | link | comments (1) |

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