Where am I? Who am I? How did I come to be here? What is this thing called the world? How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And If I am compelled to take part in it, Where is the director? I want to see him. - Soren Kierkegaard
Name: Ada Rae
I really don't like people much. Not in a nasty way, but I just don't understand them - or myself for that matter. This is my own, private forum to debate the questions that keep me up at night.
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I need to change my life and because I'm just to lost in it. It's not painful, or outright upsetting, but just very empty. It hard to even write anything when I feel nothing is new or interesting, that life is just moving along at the same pace as always. I'm still bored with myself and still have yet to find any clarity.
So, enough bitching, what do I plan to do about it. Well, beginning tomorrow I'm going to start swimming. While part of it is just for the exercise, it's also an attempt to wake up earlier so I don't lose my day. With any luck it'll help me curb my sleeping issues. I guess overall, I'm just really wanting to infuse some discipline into my life. Oh, and I suppose I should quit smoking, but that's a whole different battle.
I just need to reconcile with my past some, or better yet, try and make sense of it. Figure out which direction I'd like to move in. But it's not like I can just sit and stew because it doesn't lead to anything productive. And while I think my past is important, it's really not going to change so I shouldn't bother focusing so much energy on it. I just don't understand how I got here. At times I'm disappointed with myself. Other times, I let go of all of that, realizing life is wandering and that there is no prescription.
To use someone words because I don't have the right ones myself...
"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
To my shock, I'm rather enjoying my recent distance from American politics. While my exposure still far exceeds the average American, my distate is about equal. And the idea of not having to be overwhelmed by midterms is also rather delightful. Here are some of my most recent, 'what the hell?" thoughts...
~ Why do wanna be politicans assult their challengers based on their time in DC? Like being a career politican is a bad thing. Would you ever want to go to a rookie doctor over an experienced one? I'm sorry, but the world of politics takes time to learn, we have far to many business world folks thinking their 'real world experience' translates into being statesman. Hardly.
~ What all this talk about the parties being 'political'? You hear, she's just playing politics. Yeah, of course, and so are you, butthead. That's what POLITIANS DO BY NATURE. What, are we suppose to think DC would be a better place if everyone got around a table nodded agreeement and sang kumbaya?
~ Thinking ahead a bit to 2008, I'm going to puke if another member of the Bush or Clinton families ends up winning. What's with these family legacies? And it's not like either of the families have won a lot of love from the public. We have so few required qualifiactions to be president, but if you're continuing a legacy, well come on down...
"Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty - his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure."
- Aldous Huxley
I don't get it, trouble always follows me when I travel abroad. This time around, not only did I arrive pregnant, but now my laptop has decided to quit on me. Sure, the latter a much lesser issue, but a crappy one nonetheless. Thankfully, there are PC bongs everywhere.
But, to the topic at hand. So last night, 2am my time, I called Matt. It'll probably be one of the last times I'll call him. It's like calling a friend and talking about the weather. And while I know I want more from him in the way of support, it's just not going to happen. In my mind, his only burden is the occasional phone call from me. The only other person in this world truly involved has decided he has no involvement - fine.
But, good news is this, I'm at peace with the whole situation. His non-involvement and the tingle of depression over the last couple of weeks has subsided. I finally am feeling good. I had a nice little breakdown on Wednesday, alone in my apartment. The purge seemed to heal a lot of wounds, about the abortion and more. It's the feeling of alone-ness that was so overwhelming. But, I'm able to sleep and the pregnancy dreams and various nightmares have ended. I feel relieved.
I'm not saying I don't feel alone, but it's not like this is a new feeling. I don't know if it's just that I think too damn much or if I have some form of mild depression, but happiness has always been so fleeting for me. Most of the time I'm just overtaken by waves of life's insignificance. It all just seems so futile to me. We all just wander, filling our days with the pursuit of money, entertainment, achievement - whatever. But really, what is it all for? Of course, I don't know the answer, but I'm rather certain we all end up decompossing in the end. Most of us forgotten a few generations later, maybe referenced in a family book of some sort.
I've been accused of being a 'boring' individual. By this, and coming from the people who have said this, I've deducted that I don't enjoy bars and clubs with the same frequency. I'm not as social as a lot of the people I end up surrounding myself. In my mind, they're all just to afraid to be alone with their thoughts. They need others to appove of them, friend to feel important, wanted. The fear in understandable, but eventually, we all have to face ourselves, right?
The next job I take here in Korea will probably be a bit a way from Busan, most likely Ulsan, about 45 minutes away. It's a smaller city where I think there will be fewer foreigners. I just want more quiet time, more alone time. I want to read more, drink less. I want to focus on actually teaching, rather than it just being an excuse to make a living here.
Speaking of school, I think my school is starting to appreciate me more. Now, I am by far the least pushy (well, I complain the least) of the thrree foreigners. Althought, I'm also the most strict teacher and I stress actual practice over playing games. This is, by far, not the norm. So, my 'reward' is three upper-level courses. I still have my five classes of beginners, but now I also have an elite, a debate, and a TOEFL prep courses. Elite is a bit of a joke, because I took over the course from another foreignerr that only played games with them. Yeah, suppose to be a discussion class. They hate me for making them think :) Oh well. Then there's the debate class, with only two students. Our first topic was human rights, a topic I quite familar with. So that was nifty, but I'm still gauging their skill level.
And then there's TOEFL. Wow, this will be a serious challenge. I have only four students and this test will decide if they are capable of studing in an English-speaking country. It needs to be highly structured, demands a heavy homework load, and progress must be made on the part of student achievement. Oh, and I only have 12 classes to get through all the material. The challenge is this, I was given just a teacher's manual and told to teach on Monday. I'm cramming. I really want to put together a steller course, as it would really encourage my school to move me up to the high school and out of elementry. Well, in addition to being a nice portfolio addition for future schools.
For the second night in a row, I can’t sleep. When I did finally sleep last night, I had horrible dreams. It was easily the worst night of rest since I got here. My head just won’t let go of anything. I am constantly worrying about something. Today while waiting for the bus stop I started to cry, not certain quite why. It was no specific though, just sadness. I guess it doesn’t matter your location, you can’t run away from yourself.
I’ve decided, for today, that I will be coming back to
They say everyone who comes to teach in
I need to grow-up. Really though, in order to achieve that I need to have a bit more direction and strip myself of some of the people I hang out with. I love my friends, but sometimes they are seriously immature. Bars, and more bars. Always talking about how bored they are. You know, just give me a day of teaching, some spa time, and a good book, and I’ll be fine. I can pass the time just fine. But some people just need the drama. This is what you get when the people around you are running from different things.
And I want love. Really, I’m nearly 26 and I still haven’t experienced true love. That love you don’t want to let go of. Sure, I’m whole and all that other junk, but I want my other half that I know exists. Still, everyone I meet, I just wonder if this is it and get disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather live alone my entire life rather than settle, but it’s not my first choice. I want to experience life with someone I desire at my side.
Guess I’ll just ponder away here in
Gosh, I really did not expect my abortion to be the prime topic of this blog. And yet, it is so great a part of my private thoughts. It’s not something you openly share. When I skipped out of school, my friend made up a story about food poisoning. The next day, they all expected to see me looking-green and unable to eat, etc. Over and over I told them this lie of being up all night puking and being dehydrated the following day. But inside I was screaming, “I had an abortion! It’s not what I ate – it’s so much more!”
But you don’t say that. You hold it in. It’s been one week, and while I am feeling fine physically and even emotionally, it still happened. I don’t cry each night. I don’t regret what I did. I don’t mourn for a child. Still, it all occupies my thoughts, and sometime my lack of thought. Am I just callous for not being crippled by this experience?
I finally got a hold of Matt post-abortion. We talked so briefly of the ordeal. He just had that he got my message, that I was doing well, and little else was discussed. I don’t know what I wanted from him or what he should have said. But I know this, if I was still in the States I would have demanded more from him. My friend wouldn’t be taking me to the clinic, for starters.
Matt means something to me, with or without the pregnancy. We had met only a month or two before I left for
He said he’d think of me with the morning rain. And that’s what I want right now, to spend another morning waking with him as the rain falls. I want to feel like he shares this burden and that it’s not mine alone. But it is. He’s thousands of miles away and the distance creates, well, distance.
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