Trying to Wake

Where am I? Who am I? How did I come to be here? What is this thing called the world? How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And If I am compelled to take part in it, Where is the director? I want to see him. - Soren Kierkegaard

Ok, while I know it's too soon for me to get excited, I admit, I'm a bit excited. I met someone, and so far in, he seems quite lovely. But gosh, this initial part is rough, all that getting to know you stuff. Every text I send I wonder if it's what I want to say precisely. Just want to get to the part where it all comes together or it falls apart - more or less. But, gotta say he's the first guy I met in this country I found the least bit inspiring. Keep my fingers crossed...

posted by: Pensare at November 30, 2006 23:16 | link | comments (1) |

I have a secret friend, that's what I choose to call him. Very rarely we meet people in which instantly we know there's a common thread of philosophical understanding. He is the man who conducted my phone interview with the school I now work with. Not my boss, but a bit of a higher up. We've had a few bonding moments - some sober, others far from.

Today after my classes had finished he strolled up and just asked how things were going. I told him straight up things have been a bit gloomy. Perhaps it's the weather, the birthday, the holiday, whatever, things just seemed dimmer. He probed to make sure it wasn't work angst. I told him I've grown accustomed to Korean ways, I just roll with it. He said he's always had that impression.

He's a philosophy man. I like to dabble. Whenever we have a one-on-one conversation we fall onto serious topics. Today we shared our recent thoughts on life. We'd each say a bit of something, then we'd fall to silence and think a few moments. Then another question. Others tried to get in on what we were talking about, but it was rather impossible, we were on a different wave length.

 I find great value in friends like this. Friends that don't appear to be friends to outsiders.

posted by: Pensare at November 25, 2006 00:09 | link | comments (3) |

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

- Barry Lopez

posted by: Pensare at November 24, 2006 23:47 | link | comments (1) |

Oh yeah, I guess today is Thanksgiving, huh? Well, Happy Thanksgiving to all those celebrating. Never really been my holiday. More like a four-day weekend I won't get this year. I think I'd like the holiday more if it wasn't for my association of it with Christmas shopping, hunting season, and annoying extended family gatherings.

Alright, so what's new and interesting in my life? Well, not much, just keep moving along. It's confirmed, my mother will be visiting me some time in February.  I'm not so certain she can handle it, she had some culture shock when we went to Ireland and Korea, well, isn't Ireland. I love her dearly though. My best friend who is missing me terribly and just wants to see me despite the 14-hour flight and Korea-ness.

I was hoping to jump out of Korea during my only 5-day vacation time, but it'll be sacrificed for Mom. While I'm disappointed I can't go and get high in Thailand, it's probably for the best. Not the dope part, but the money part. A big reason for me to be here is to save money, so why spend it on a $600 flight? Still want to get stoned, but that'll have to wait.

posted by: Pensare at November 23, 2006 01:27 | link | comments |

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

- M. Scott Peck

posted by: Pensare at November 20, 2006 23:43 | link | comments (2) |

posted by: Pensare at November 19, 2006 22:03 | link | comments |

 

Well thanks, now you've turned my spiraling depression into rage. Lovely.

posted by: Pensare at November 19, 2006 14:10 | link | comments (1) |

River, river carry me on
Living river carry me on
River, river carry me on
To the place where I come from

So deep, so wide, will you take me on your back for a ride
If I should fall, would you swallow me deep inside

River, show me how to float
I feel like Im sinking down
Thought that I could get along
But here in this water
My feet wont touch the ground
I need something to turn myself around

Going away, away towards the sea
River deep, can you lift up and carry me
Oh roll on though the heartland
til the sun has left the sky
River, river carry me high
til the washing of the water make it all alright
Let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight

Letting go, its so hard
The way its hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with thing
cause if I follow through
I face what I denied
I get those hooks out of me
And I take out the hooks that I sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away

[Peter Gabriel - Washing of the Water]

posted by: Pensare at November 18, 2006 15:33 | link | comments (1) |

Some days...

I'm feeling like a miserable teacher these days. I just really don't like working with little kids! It's not like I wasn't honest about this with my employer, it's just that they don't understand English very well. In Korea they don't really care either, you are just a warm, white body with a college degree. I have Beginners and they just get to me. I have no clue as to what I should be focusing on with their studies (another downfall of the academy system). There are good things, of course. But I'm a stern teacher, not one of the fun teachers. Yet, when my students move up a level they seemed to rather successful. I really do enjoy teaching, but teaching English to kids who are only there because their parents like the prestige is freaking frustrating.

Here's a high point, and sometimes it feels like there are few. One of my students, who I have adored since he entered my class, gave me a gift yesterday for my birthday. It was two adorable clay figure, I believe vases of some sort (I was told they are rather expensive).  It was by far the coolest thing I got all day. But, then I hear today that his parents, unlike most of the families at the school, don't have much money. This little guy bought me this gift out of his allowance money! I nearly cried.

Today I long for the English teaching job where I just walk into work and pull my lesson from a file.

posted by: Pensare at November 17, 2006 00:41 | link | comments (1) |

Today is my birthday. Yeah, don't bother with the happy wishes. I think birthday are just another way to mark the years - like New Years. And while that's fine and good, they can nonetheless bring on feelings of introspection that begin to feel more like that of depression. Not trying to be dark, just a bit honest.

Your birthday comes along. At some point in the day you think of your last birthday. Who did I spend it with? Was it enjoyable? What has happened in that past year? If you are daring, you may go back a few years or compare yourself or your achievements to others.

While I have few issues with adding a few years to my couple of decades, I'm young I know. I wonder when young becomes older and I should worry. I say 26 and everyone says, you're young. But really, when do those remarks change? When does "don't worry you're young" become "wear this funny hat, you're over the hill"?

I wandered around among the foreigners tonight, amazed by age and behavior. 32 year-old women with Master's degrees hitting 23 year-old guys. And I'm not one to scream about age difference. It's just, if I had that education, I would not: (1) be working in Korea, (2) hitting it at the bars.

 

So, another birthday in, but no greater clarity.

 

posted by: Pensare at November 16, 2006 01:51 | link | comments (3) |

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