Trying to Wake

Where am I? Who am I? How did I come to be here? What is this thing called the world? How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And If I am compelled to take part in it, Where is the director? I want to see him. - Soren Kierkegaard

Well, the new year is almost here and like so many I will say good-bye to it in a hazy, drunken state. Perhaps, I'll even be enjoying a new year's snog. I'll be happy to leave 2006 behind and begin a new chapter. It is just another day, but for many of us, there's that notion that it's a new start.

I'm happy to say that my terribly cynical self is taking a bit of a vacation. That's not to say I'm loving life, but it doesn't feel like its sucking all that much right now. There's a lot of things that still eat away at me, that I find my self analyzing over and over. Some of the thoughts keep me up at night, others just creep into my head. But it's that true of all of us?

And I've been here five months and while I know I've 'grown' I don't know if I'm getting any closer to finding the clarity I so desire. I've learned that when you leave your homebase friends will learn to forget you. I've learned that family will always be there. I've learned that I can adapt to most anything with time. I've learned that life can only become more complicated with age. I've learned that things may never seem right for extended periods of time. I've learned that even though someone should care, it doesn't mean they will. I've learned that my inner voice can't always be counted on, but should never be ignored.

Everyone, lift a glass when midnight reaches your time zone and toast to the unknown territory of 2007. Happy New Year!

posted by: Pensare at December 30, 2006 23:54 | link | comments (1) |

It's begun, it began a long time ago. 

My abortion, my pain, my experience is the gossip of others. Abortion is such a quiet thing, that once it happens it become the talk of the town. It makes me sick. No one wants to be a statistic, but we all are one, postive or negative. And maybe it's this artifical world  (foreigners in Korea) we all live in, but I know my abortion is juicy foder. have a character flaw that seems to be developing - guilt.

A couple weeks back I nudged a loosely defined male friend, asking if he knew my secret. He gave me a look, a look where you don't need a yes or no answer. I mentioned the abortion and he said that he had known. I wasn't surprised, he was the friend of a co-worker and the fuck buddy of the girl who went with me to the clinic. In my mind, he would have heard, it's a big secret to hold in. My co-worker had actually gussed I was pregnant.

Anyways, I don't have any hostility towards my co-worker. It was a big secret and  it was his friend. Likewise, the girl that went with me has blossomed into quite a drama queen. After a night of drinking, my friend and my coworker ended up at a local restaruant. My best of friends asked him straight out if it was him who 'exposed' my secret. At first he didn't  remember. Then, he got to the point that he couldn't believe his friend would actually admit to it.

Now, the whole time I kept saying I would understand if he had said something. But, my friend, in my defense, pushed him. He's been a bit of a gossip at work and has talked shit about others gossiping. I'm not sure how it all worked out, but he threw 5000 on the table and walked out.

Seriously, I don't have any hostility towards him for telling his friend. It is a big secret and a lot to hold in. I don't hide from it, I refuse to. I think the after my experience I realize how much hurt and guilt come from those around you who do or do not know. Those with an agenda and even those without. The anxiety of going back to work and acting like you had food poisioning, or calling family and acting as though everything is just the same. Women suffer because they move through the process in silence - forced to act like nothing has happened.

Anyways, he walked out. Most likely because of embarassment of spreading secrets, or whatever. But I understand why he would share that with a friend. I really do and I tried to tell him such, but by the time he was walking out it wasn't about me, it was about his own behavior. And to me, that seems a bit trite....

posted by: Pensare at December 24, 2006 06:15 | link | comments (1) |
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I admit, I'm homesick. Freaking holidays....

So, I've been dieting. For me dieting is like getting a haircut after breaking up, without some to break up with. Honestly, I don't know if I need to be on a diet, but it helps me focus and control my life when it feels a bit too out of control. I've lost 3kg since I last wrote. Not bad. I did go outside the diet tonight though. Got a small pizza with a friend and ate some delightful Christmas cookies from my mom. It was really nice getting that package, despite the loads of bad food included.

She packed me up some of those chocolate covered cherries. Those ones you find at Walgreens for 99cents. They have a sentimental value for me though. My granfather died when I was five and I don't have many memories of him. In fact, all of them include him sick. I vaguely remember a Christmas with him, IV in tote and a box of those chocolate cherries on his lap. I really think I would have enjoyed him.

posted by: Pensare at December 23, 2006 01:42 | link | comments |

4:30 am - a bit drunk but really the rage has taken overand the drunk factor is quite minimal. Here's the story in a nut shell: haven't heard from last week's man of the week - until today. Nothing much, just acknowledges my existence. Yeah, so out at the typical foreigner bars, he rolls around, never bothers to say hello. Takes about 45 minutes, a chat with a few friends of mine, before he bothers to even tap me on the shoulder. Then, well, I'm not even sure, but it wasn't good. Ended with him saying he was going to another bar for another drink and I asked if he was in search of a different fuck. Some dumb ass I don't know told me I shouldn't be so hard on the guy - and then he slipped away.

When the hell am I going to learn? I'm not a crazy bitch but these men surrounding me make me feel like it. Truth is, I just want love. Honest, caring, complete love. Not all this crap, not the drama, none of it. I'm a good girl at the core. But I can't trust my instincts, that's for certain. And that, that kills me. I can't trust my own judgement! Damn, where does that even leave me?!?!

 

I read a blog recently, about how writing allows you to construct your own reality. I think I'm getting an idea of what mine would be. Of course, based loosely on myself - not that I'd actually write it. This is it: a woman who feels she was born at the wrong time in history. A woman who feels like life has already passed her by because the life she thought was hers is thirty years gone by. I was born at the wrong time. That's all I've got.

posted by: Pensare at December 10, 2006 04:52 | link | comments (1) |

posted by: Pensare at December 08, 2006 00:42 | link | comments |

He's good, very good. I had good reason to be excited.

I was a bit of a fool and told one of my classes about our date on Friday night. They noticed I was happier than usual and those little ones had me blushing something fierce. Quite entertaining really. They wanted to know it all - how tall is he? will he bring you a rose? did you hug/kiss him? I managed to swear all eight of them to secrecy. But, I'm sure it'll be the first thing they ask me tomorrow. Thankfully, I can smile and tell them how it went well.

So, Peter is a unique form of amazing, at least to me. When found a couple of quite comfortable bars and just spoke for hours. We discussed issues, lives, ideals...everything. He's a bit shy, but disguises it well, and I wasn't sure by the fifth pint if he was looking at me as anything more than a friend. My worry was only my insecurity.

Yes, I spent the night with him and it all was rather delightful. We passed a few hours of the morning looking at his pictures (he's an amateur photographer) and discussing his lesson plan for later in the afternoon. Now, of course, the unknown is how the rest will all play out.

posted by: Pensare at December 03, 2006 17:00 | link | comments (2) |

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